Gods and Angels
by immo
Summary: Juri Arisugawa talks about Shiori. Hahahaa... like we don't have enough of those! Oh, I'm gonna throw a little meaningless fact into this: I wanted to name this fic 'dreams' orginally. But I didn't. I don't know why, cuz its a really good title.


Gods and Angels  
Utena fanfiction (Juri, actually ;D)  
immo - immo@hamena.org  
rating:PG-13  
  
Well, Juri fiction it is! Angsty and stuff, but you know, I love angst! I've realized that I  
can't write fluff. I'm so worthless -_-; Oh well, one with the story! :D Feedback is so  
appreciated... So very appreciated...  
  
  
You can't control dreams.  
Dreams come, unbidden, and they strangle you, entwine you in golden chains more real  
then the necklace around one's throat. Dreams weigh you down so much more than a picture in  
a rose locket.  
Friends, more than friends, I have no idea. I fell in love so quickly, I didn't even  
know when it happened. All I knew, was that one night, I woke up, and knew that I loved her.  
I dreamt of her often, she was my constant obsession, and I shunned it for a while.  
Hated her for invading my thoughts daily and nightly. Almost like an animal, I was  
destructive and angry, and all I felt was rage and sorrow, and oh god, so much pain.  
It all started... all started with little inane dreams of you. Dreams that made  
absolutely no sense, like following the white rabbit down a hole and ending up in Wonderland.  
So full of wonder. Nothing made sense, but everything made sense, all of this at once because  
of you. You were my white rabbit, and I would chase you to the ends of the earth.  
All I knew was that, before, I thought of you as just a friend. I felt horrified,  
when, in your arms, I dreamily realized you smelled like violets. And I felt how warm you  
were, how soft, how your voice was so beautiful.  
I bent over backwards for you, everyone knew that if they went to you to plead their  
case, you would plead it for them to me. I hated that. At first, I noticed everything that  
was good about you. Everything.  
Your smile.  
Your laughter.  
Your walk.  
Your voice.  
God, I can't... can't stop loving you. Back then, all you had to do was say my name,  
and I would gladly die for you. I was so innocent. Dreams, fantasies of you and I, just  
doing things that couples do.  
I wanted to be your prince so much. I had to remind myself not to hold you too hard  
when you let me hug you. I wanted... wanted to squeeze you so hard you would fall into the  
very spark of my being.  
Do you want something?  
Anything. Anything you wanted, I would give you.  
Small gifts, that made you smile. Eyes that burned with a fierce belief in me, in  
miracles. I was your miracle.  
Were those lies that you told me? Was I really your miracle?  
Could you truthfully say, that I gave you happiness during those short times of my  
newly realized love for you?  
Could I ever forget about you? You're so cruel... so cruel...  
And dreams change, and they dance, and they sway, and they twist into something  
darker, red and black, heat, humid, thoughts that bury deep and make your body ache for  
something... something...  
You kissed me. Why did you do that? Oh, you're so innocently cruel. Kissed me, wished  
me the best of luck.  
That night, I held you in my locket. I don't know how it changed, but it scared me.  
All I ever wanted, all I ever asked for was something I could never have.  
When did you start noticing him?  
When did you notice how tall he'd gotten, how he'd filled out that lanky frame? How  
well he fenced? Did you ever notice that he never won against me?  
Did you notice me?  
Everyone noticed me.  
Except you.  
I was beautiful for you, only. Only you. Yet you never realized that everytime I  
begun a match, and I smiled and said I would win for you, you didn't know I meant it. I meant  
every word I said.  
I saw you cry, once. Remember?  
I don't know how that's possible, you crying. You were always smiling. You were MY  
miracle. Did you know that? You were the thing that brought the impossible out of me.  
Everytime I reached for the stars, it was because you urged me to.  
And to see you cry...  
I still don't know why you cried. I held you, and held you, and I don't know when I  
started crying too. And telling you not to cry, not to be sad, because I loved you. I never  
knew, those three words that I wanted to hear from you, so much, could hurt. Hurt and kill  
and make me bleed inside.  
"I love you, too."  
But you didn't. Not the way I wanted you to. Why are you like that? Why do you bring  
me up, but keep me down?  
And so innocently, you wanted to sleep with me that night.  
And I should have said no. Should have. But I didn't.  
Did you know how much my heart pounded, as you breathed quietly in my arms? How you  
said you didn't know how you could go on without me?  
And the dreams...  
I stayed awake, trying hard to regulate my breathing, keep it steady, like in  
fencing... I didn't know it could be that hard.  
I dreamt of owning you, of holding you down while you cried out my name again and  
again and I slowly tortured you with words, with light touches, fierce fires, kisses that  
would rain down on every inch of that smooth skin under my hot hand, and I would burn you.  
I would burn you and brand you as mine, and you'd breath, drink, eat, know nothing but me.  
I wanted you. I wanted you on a chain, locked up tight in my locket so the only one  
who could greedily swallow up your perfection would be me.  
Dreams strangled me. You didn't understand at all. How could you not? You were put up  
on a pedestal, my god. My only god. The only religion I needed in my life. The only meaning.  
When I saw you with him...  
Did you know my world crashed down on me?  
You were perfection marred. A slut, a whore on the street, bought with a dirty five  
dollar bill. The truth, so blatantly held up for me to see. Even when you managed to put your  
clothes back on and chase after me, you still didn't understand.  
I saw you as you were.  
Greedy, selfish, lying, dishonest. You used me for everything I was worth, and when I  
gave you my soul, you rewarded me with betrayal.  
You wanted it to be all about you. You took him away from me. You apologized. Yet you  
didn't know what you were apologizing for and I could see the devilish delight in your eyes  
as your hands touched mine.  
I felt so ashamed when I still felt that electricity flowing into me, making me  
shiver at the thought of kissing those tiny hands of yours.  
You wanted it to be all about you.  
All about you.  
Everything should be about you.  
You didn't know how much it hurt when I saw the blinding truth. You would squash me  
under your heel, just so it was all about you. What you wanted wasn't me. Wasn't me.  
Did you know... it was all about you?  
Every word, every action, every time someone saw the shining bright angel that I was,  
it was because of you? You were my god that lifted me up to heights unimaginable. When you  
let me down... I was a fallen angel. What else could I be, if not fallen? My god proved to be  
nothing but a false idol. Crucified on the cross of my love.  
And still, dreams are dreams, and unbidden they come.  
And bitter tears still stained my cheeks, when late at night, you come.  
Deep in the land of fog and mists, my dreams once again twisted, and you smiled up at  
me with a predator's smile, eyes alight with lust. My head pounded with your blood as your  
lips trailed pleasure everywhere, guilty pleasure, followed by cold pain, and I would cling  
to you and cry for more.   
Violence, and words that stabbed, hands that hurt and tongue that buried and plunged  
deep, raping me of everything that I was. Dirtied by the sins of my false worship.  
Waking up, I screamed my pain to the world, I destroyed, I clawed at my face, trying  
to get rid of those perverted thoughts that wormed in my head, in everything around me. I  
would break everything, all that there was, splinters of nothing, shadows that shy away from  
the light, glass that cut deep into the palm of my hands, fists, stripped to the knuckle and  
bleeding crimson. I've bled... red and blue for you. My love and dignity, my integrity  
sacrificed to you. All for nothing. I hid in a corner and wept.  
After the illusions fell, and the prince won, the castle in the sky fell. The devil  
defeated, the princess freed... after all that, you follow me with timid steps.  
Dreams are all I have, even though I hear your footsteps following me, hear your  
eager voice. So intent on burrowing your way back into my heart until fevered nightmares were  
all I'll ever have.  
But I threw away the chains.  
Is that enough?  
Is that ever enough? I've thrown away my chains, they've broken on the floor where so  
many duellists have already died and burned and bled. And rose petals buried them. And thorns  
were everywhere.  
Shattered, and the prince helped wash away that image of you in my heart. And I was  
free again. Free again.  
Am I?  
Now there are no more dreams, but I see you everywhere. Every corner I turn, you  
would be there. Right at my heels. Sitting, oh-so tantalizingly close, perfumed claws deeply  
buried into my chest.  
The beautiful panther.  
The vain and hurtful butterfly.  
The fallen angel.  
The false god.  
Vengeful insects.  
Weeping beauties.  
A princess' betrayal of her prince.  
And her prince chose to love her, still.  
After all that, still, the prince chose her. And finally, the princess understood.  
That all the prince ever wanted... ever wanted... was her.  
And all the fallen angel ever wants, was to worship at their god's feet once more.  
  
  
end note: Fun stuff, no? Hahaha. My head is burning. Well, now I'm gonna go into the story  
behind the story. Kinda based on me. Having dreams, not as psychotic as what I've written  
down about Juri, but still dreams. And not about someone I like, gods no! I think something's  
wrong with me, I can't seem to really fall in love with anyone...  
Well, I was kinda sad, cuz even in my dream, (I dreamed that I was in a ghost house, then  
suddenly I was in a pharmacy. A zombie asked to buy some condoms, and I had to call my friend  
to tell me where the condoms were since the customer wanted condoms in bulk.) I dreamt of my  
friend. We had a disagreement, I refused to say sorry cuz FUCK YOU IT WASN'T MY FUCKING  
FAULT! and now I can't stop thinking of her. Damn it. I can't even blame her fully, cuz its  
a long and messed up story. Damn, I miss her. 


End file.
